When Rinpoche died, I felt many things at once. At first it was very hard, I felt completely abandoned, without firm ground to step on. I wondered what I would do with my life without my lama. However, within, I didn’t understand the meaning of this inside of me.
Then, during the days Rinpoche’s mind was still inside his body after his death, I felt as if he were by my side all the time, a very strong presence. During those days, I was sure that the most precious thing I could have had in my life was meeting Rinpoche, my precious lama, Buddha himself.
I understood that his death was just another way Rinpoche found to express his immense compassion for us, to bring benefit, to make our practice improve. When I thought of this, my sadness went away, as I realized his presence will never leave my heart.
[As told by Vanessa Sabbado]
I remember it was one of those days in São Paulo. I was sitting in the office and just browsing through the newspaper and there, on the final pages, suddenly I saw that small picture in black and white with a few lines underneath. It said, a Tibetan Lama – Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche – was coming to Brazil and going to take up his residence in Três Coroas, and with something like that Três Coroas would become a world center of Buddhism. I had been involved in Buddhism for many years, but I never actually had found “my Lama”. Somehow, at the moment when I looked at his picture, I had that totally clear and heart-felt conviction: “This is for me.” I took some scissors and cut out his picture, put it in a plastic bag and I kept it right there on my table.
This was in May of 1995, and he had just arrived. That year I tried to find him and I called friends in Porto Alegre, phoning and phoning, but nobody knew where “that Lama” was because at that time he was living in an apartment in the little town of Três Coroas and hadn’t yet moved up to the place of the later Gonpa. Also during those early months he was travelling back and forth to the States and Nepal, so time went by without me finding him. Then in 1997 he was invited to give a peace message in a rock concert in Porto Alegre. He appeared in the local newspapers and suddenly became “famous”. That´s when my friends from Porto Alegre phoned me and finally told me about the Gonpa in Três Coroas. I immediately phoned that placed and asked how I could see or meet the Lama. They told me that in the morning at six and in the evening he was performing puja and that I could come and attend. I then arranged for a stay in Gramado and from there I took a taxi to take me to the Gonpa at five o´ clock in the morning.
It was in September, still winter, cold and totally foggy and the taxi driver had never heard about Rinpoche and had no idea where to go. When we finally found the way up the mountain it was still totally dark and foggy and the driver kept asking me: “So. where are we going?” I said, “I don’t know. I just know there’s a Tibetan Lama living on top of this mountain.” So we kept going until finally there was a sign telling us we had arrived at the Gonpa. The temple was not built yet and the shrine room was in a building which is the dormitory now. I went in and there was a small group of people. They had just started puja, and I remember it so clearly. Rinpoche was sitting against the wall on the left of the entrance. As I came in he didn’t turn his head but I saw and felt his eyes from the corner shooting at me. It was like hitting me. I dropped down there in front during the whole puja just staring at him.
Then after puja he called me and asked if I had some questions. I remember the first thing I said to him was that if it were up to me, I would never again leave, that I wanted to stay right now, but unfortunately I had to go back to São Paulo and work. I asked if he could give me some advice on how to meditate daily while being busy in the big city. He asked if I could understand English and I said, yes, sure. Then he started talking and I didn’t understand one word. But it didn’t matter. I was just looking into his eyes and I was totally gone.
Then I got up and walked outside of the room and I was with a friend of mine, Susie. I set on the steps and I was crying and crying. Susie said me, “What is it? Why are you crying?” I said to her, “Oh Susie, I am so happy that I found him and I know, so clearly, this is my last chance in this life.”
From then on I went to the Gonpa as much as possible and I also found Lama Tsering in São Paulo. Rinpoche kept asking me over and over to come and live in the Gonpa but samsara – work and family and all my attachments – had me in his grip. Finally in 2000 I managed to break free and move to the Gonpa. I have not regretted this decision for a single moment; my life has changed in a way that I could have never dreamed of.
Rinpoche showed me my true nature. He revealed all that is possible in a human being and what you are able to do once you have understood how to live your life and how to experience life and how to be with beings – how to live it all in a different way. I just wanted to practice. I just wanted to experience all that he showed to us.
The qualities in him that I loved were his boundless compassion, his impartial infinite love, and his way to help you, see you, teach you. He was so patient with us “dharma babies” as he said, and always with his humour, his laugh, his inspiring diligence and vision. “Keep going”, was his most simple way to motivate us when we came up with all our questions and doubts. He was just total pure mind pouring his love on us and it is so incredible if you can receive that.
And now that he is gone physically it doesn’t matter because it is all still there – and much more, multiplying like clouds of offerings in the sky – and he is with us all the time. I walk around and I always hear him in my mind. I always see him and I always feel him. So he is all the time with me. He is never gone. And I will never ever let go of him.
[As told by Christine]
I first met Rinpoche in 1999 at the opening of an ecology fair in Porto Alegre. I was part of the organizing team and I remember everyone was excited to have this famous lama there. The opening ribbons had the colors of Tibetan Buddhism: blue, red, yellow, white, green. I was picked to pull one of these ribbons and, since I liked the color red, I tried to grab the red ribbon, but a hand appeared, grabbed it before me. I heard a laugh that sounded like, “Hi hi hi.” It was Rinpoche by my side. He quickly pulled the red ribbon and I was forced to take the green one.
The following day I moved to Spain – an attempt to get my life together. However, when I got there everything went wrong. So after a while I came back to Brazil and remembered Rinpoche. I did not have a spiritual life at the time, and I thought that maybe things were going wrong because this was lacking.
Later on, I was at an produce market on José Bonifácio Street when a young man carrying Rinpoche’s book passed by and said there was going to be an event at Três Coroas – a Dream Yoga retreat. I decided to go. When I arrived at Khadro Ling I was dressed as a “civilian.” Everyone else had sadhanas, all the props, and I had nothing. I got in and retreated to a corner. I thought that place was so beautiful, I fell in love with the Tara music, but I thought “this is not for me, I will finish this and go away.”
But I went to Yeshe Ling, in Porto Alegre, because my friend Maria Inês asked me to help her with Microsoft Excel. I started going to Yeshe Ling regularly to help Maria with Excel tables.
In 2002, I remember I was working an awful lot and I left everything aside to do some initiations on a Saturday morning, at Rinpoche’s room at Khadro Ling. When I was climbing the stairs, a girl told me: “You don’t live here, you can’t do these initiations.” I said: “OK, so I’ll just go there to take my money back and I’ll go away, alright?” But then someone else arrived and said: “Go on, go on.” So I climbed the stairs all the way up and stood waiting at the door. I was the last one to arrive.
After that, I’ve been to other events and initiations. Even being initiated into so many different practices, I wondered: “Am I doing the right thing?” I had many doubts.
There was a P’howa retreat in November 2002, but I didn’t have much money at the time. That same week my tax return money arrived and I said: “Well, here’s the money. I’m going.” I think that was a turning point for me because, even though I didn’t have an interaction with Rinpoche then, that retreat made all the difference in my life. What happened was so strong that it left a lasting mark on me.
I was nearly fired from my job because I was spending too much time at Khadro Ling making butter lamps. My cell phone kept ringing with my boss looking for me. I said: “I cannot go, someone has died.” And he asked: “Who has died?” And I said: “Rinpoche.” And he asked: “Is he you grandfather? Your father?”
I was crazy, I forgot everything, I almost lost my job. My boss said: “Marice, you are so serious, responsible, something must have happened.”
And I said: “Give me a break because I can’t explain right now.”
[As told by Marice]
I was born with the good karma of knowing how to sew. This is why, just before an Essence of Siddhi Drubchen, Rinpoche asked me to sew the sixteen djaltsens (victory banners, today made of fiber) that would be placed on the temple’s roof.
His sewing machine – which had been a wedding present from Khadro to Rinpoche – was in the guest room at their apartment. In there, I found many denim pieces i was supposed to sew. Rinpoche came there many times to see how the sewing was progressing; he would sit on the center of the bed and explain what I had to do. He would unfold the fabric and explain through gestures, since I didn’t speak English. I would answer with thumbs up, showing him I was understanding.
It was then that I discovered a new language, the Sewing Language, which I had the privilege to speak with my master, who was a sewer also.
[As told by Elusa Faria]
Just after finishing my six-month retreat, I had an interview with Rinpoche, but heard he was in an irate mood. Lama Sherab said I could not skip it, because he waned to talk to me. So I went, full of fear.
After an introduction that was not easy at all, Rinpoche communicated to me his wish that I go to Manaus to be responsible for the Sangha there. I was so shocked that I couldn’t understand it. While he was talking to someone who had arrived in the room, I asked Sibele, who was translating: “What did he say?” She confirmed: “He wants you to move there.”
With my heart in a knot, I told Rinpoche I was not rich; I said that because I had stopped working, I only had money to live for a certain amount of time, with a very frugal lifestyle. Rinpoche argued that I could work there, that people would certainly help me get clients. My mouth was dry. I said: “Rinpoche, my childish character says I want to be here, in the home I’ve built, near my master. However, the practitioner says that I will do as you wish.” Rinpoche answered: “Ok. Now go, go.”
When I left, it was as if I had been exiled. I would have to get a job again to be able to support myself and I would be far away from my master and from my children.
The next day, Rinpoche was going to leave for a one-month trip. I didn’t remember feeling so much anguish since my teen years. I started to look at Khadro Ling and at my small house, to which I was so attached, with farewell eyes. I knew I had to let go. It was hard! Working at the store helped me to take my mind off that problem. The days passed. Rinpoche went away and came back again, and never mentioned the subject again.
The result of that sting was an excellent practice in detachment. Rinpoche operated the magic of sending me away without me ever leaving this place.
[As told by Yvone]
I saw Rinpoche for the first time in 1998, when I was living in Manaus and working with computers. At that time, I had an abscess on my shoulder and I spent my time fixing and carrying machines with that thing on my back, hurting.
On one occasion, I spent the whole day on Cataflan [a painkiller and anti-inflammatory]. I would take a dose every two hours. Rinpoche was going to give a talk later that day in Manaus. It was the first time I was going to see him. I didn’t know who he was, I didn’t have the faintest idea. When I was leaving to go to the talk, I stopped taking the medicine and just felt the pain. The talk was taking place really close to my workplace. I got there early, I sat down and waited for my friend.
Then Rinpoche arrived. Lama Sherab had big hair then and I thought: “Gosh, what’s with her big hair?” Rinpoche sat down and I thought: “Gosh, how strange he is.” Up until that moment, I was still aware of my pain. Then Rinpoche started to talk. He talked about many things that started to soothe me. What he spoke about made a lot of sense. He talked for a long time. I forgot my pain, I forgot my arm, I forgot everything and just paid attention to him. I paid attention to his goatee, to his funny small eyes, and then, at some point, I felt something funny on my arm. The abscess had popped. I didn’t care, I just cared about Rinpoche, I paid attention to him and nothing else.
When he finished, I couldn’t remember my pain any longer, I didn’t even remember it was dripping, nothing. He finished and we offered him the katag (a white silk scarf). Then we left and I only remembered about my shoulder when I was in my friend’s car. Then I said to her: “I was in pain, I couldn’t move my arm…” Then I moved my arm and my friend said: “It was Rinpoche.” And I said: “Oh yes, I’m glad it was Rinpoche.” I was happy, because I actually felt a connection with him, and that was really present to me.
[As told by Sandrinha Vinhales]
I was never able to understand Rinpoche’s English very well. When I first came here, I tried to understand and couldn’t. The translation was in Portuguese, so I couldn’t understand that translation either. Every Brazilian understood his English, but for me he wasn’t speaking English. I was really jealous of all those Brazilians who could talk endlessly to him.
With Rinpoche, I felt like this all the time: “What did he say? What did he say? What? What?” I couldn’t understand anything. However in reality, with Rinpoche, you didn’t need to speak. His mind permeates our hearts, permeates everything. I remember one time when I finally understood him: it was a miracle.
He was always in a hurry to build everything here at Khadro Ling, just like a horse in a race. He had this feeling: hurry, hurry, we don’t have much time, and this sense of the precious human body was ever so present in him. We felt his body was loosing energy; his mind, however, was not. His mind had a nuclear character.
We didn’t have a carpenter’s ladder or a ramp in front of the temple. And he said: “I have to do this and my body cannot do this, but it has to.” And he was looking through the window and he saw Eduardo, Dudu, who has physical work siddhis. And Rinpoche said: “Oh! Dudu is there! He is my arms.”
I was deeply moved by this, because I saw he had such love, some kind of value for everyone. He prized the people who worked for him. It felt like he said, “My arms do not work any longer, my legs do not work any longer, but I have Eduardo. He is my arms, he is my body, a precious
human body.”
Another thing I remember was when my mind made a great shift from an ordinary position to some other position. He was sitting on his throne and after the puja we always gathered here informally. People were doing practice. He had a kind of urgency with practice: “We don’t have much time in this life.” And we also had this ideal, this feeling that we didn’t have much time with him.
Everything was very quiet. In the lake, down the hill, there used to be a lot of frogs. That night it was very, very noisy. And because we were so quiet, you could hear that “croak, croak, croak,” and more and more. And Rinpoche said: “These people…” And I thought: “Which people? There are only seven people here – Lama Sherab, Andreia, Cris, Sonia, Sibele, me, Dudu; what people are noisy tonight?” And Rinpoche: “Are these people having a party?” And I just thought: “What people?”
Eventually, I realized he was talking about the frogs. For him, frogs are people, not animals. I was new in Brazil, new to the Sangha. So I thought: “If he feels this way about the frogs, maybe he will like me, maybe I can stay here.”
Another story: I come from Boston, near New York. In Boston we don’t have much of a Sangha. I had only seen Lama Tsering and Khadro. I arrived here at Khadro Ling for the first time and I was with Rinpoche in a retreat with forty people in the room. I knew nothing about Buddhism, the mind, and I knew very little about Rinpoche. However, I was very, very happy, very excited about being here.
During this retreat, which lasted about four or five weeks, Rinpoche pointed to a place where there was nothing but a pedestal and a hole in the ground and said: “This month, we will finish this statue.”
I laughed alone, completely alone. I shut my mouth, sat very straight, looked around and no one was laughing. I thought: “Shut your mouth, Liz, he is serious, oh my god… ok, we will finish the statue. All right… ok, statue… we’ll see.”
And, of course, he did finish it.
[as told by Liz]
Once I was taking a shower at Khadro Ling and I simply forgot all the problems with water supply we have there. I was in the shower for about half an hour. At the end of the ceremony that day, I went to Rinpoche to give him a little gift and to say goodbye. When I got close to him, he turned to Lama Rigdzing and asked about the water supply.
I immediately realized my non-virtue and I guess I turned bright red. They talked about the water supply for a few minutes. I was frozen, a few steps away from Rinpoche, who wouldn’t even look at me. I spent days meditating about what had happened and how he was able to admonish me about my lack of attention so non-violently, and yet so powerfully.
[As told by Eduardo Pinheiro]
The year of 1993 was part of a cycle of deep transformations in my life. It was a time for many new evaluations, analyses, hopes and searches. In August of that year, I went with some friends to listen to a talk by some Tibetan lama. The translation process was slow, and my mind would wander on many occasions. I got lost in the talk. At a certain moment, something changed inside of me. I focused directly on the lama’s face, paying attention to his voice. Some very strong magnetism was vibrating and his words went directly into my heart. I closed my notebook, a gentle spring feeling took over me – I had discovered magic.
Everything was there, nothing was lacking.
[as told by Leda Volino]
My strongest memory was when I first met Rinpoche. He came to Rigdzin Ling to give some very precious teachings. I had never met him before and there was a lot of excitement in the air building up to the day he arrived. And his presence far exceeded the excitement preceding. He was… if I were to imagine the Buddha in person, that was Rinpoche.
His mind was like space, is like space and his compassion was limitless. His love, equanimity, impartial view towards all beings and all situations: that was Rinpoche. His teachings were about how to embody that. It was his wish that all his students could embody limitless equanimity and compassion in a vast state of mind. That is what I learned from Rinpoche, to abstain from harming in any way, to practice virtue in every way and to tame my own mind.
[As told by a student]